Thursday, June 7, 2012
I've had a lot of reflection over the past few weeks. Lots of emotions, like a roller coaster ride with massive highs and lows. When you've dedicated your life to something you love and it's taken from you, even temporarily, it's such a hard thing to deal with.
I'm a very positive person. I feel that I will always come out on top. At one point in my life I compared my aura to a saying 'Walks through shit, smells like roses'. For some reason no matter what, I was always able to overcome any obstacle and come out smelling of roses. This injury takes a whole new meaning to the term 'Walks through shit'. I have never been seriously injured. Even when I was hurt or took a wrong turn, it was easily overcome or navigated back to the right direction with a quickness. Training is my life and I am going on 3 weeks of nothing. No running, no grappling, no Muay Thai, no nothing.... & quite frankly, it's a bit depressing at times. I just want so badly to succeed.
I've struggled recently with faith. Faith in God. I don't know who's right as far as religion goes, but I do know one thing, I do have a god. I've had a personal relationship with him and no matter what was going on, no matter how alone, how lonely, I could close myself out and speak to him and feel comfortable that everything would work out for the best. I don't know when it started but I lost that relationship. I've always thanked the lord for the opportunity and ability he has blessed me with, and never taken it for granted.... but still I lost touch.
Tonight I walked outside my apartment and laid in the grass on the side of the hill for quite some time. I stared at the sky and gazed at the stars. Something I've always loved to do ever since I was a little boy. A million thoughts were running through my head. Thoughts of sorrow, thoughts of wonder, thoughts of ambition, and even some thoughts of self pity. But as I lay back and assessed where I am and who I am, the only resounding thought that seemed to clearly make sense was the thought of belief. Looking into the sky in this massive world I feel like came back to my senses a little bit. We are not here forever, and we are not guaranteed anything. So for the first time in a long time, I closed my eyes and spoke with the lord 1 on 1. I won't reveal our conversation, but I can say it felt right. I felt like I knew he was listening to me and even with all the negative thoughts mixed in, the resounding strength of positivity came over my body. Believe. It's as simple as that. You must believe. I may not be able to run, or grapple or kickbox right now, but I will be able to again. I believe that. I believe I will overcome this and fulfill my destiny that has eluded me recently. There are things I can do still.Walking is not one I do well, but it all starts with steps. Even the smallest of ones.
There is a verse I read on the back of a young man's shirt at the Houston rodeo this year. Mark 9:23 All things are possible to him who believes. This has stuck with me since the moment I read it. I have no doubt in my mind that this sentence and positive affirmation will lead me back to glory. Not only belief in myself, but belief in the goodness of god and the goodness of a world in which you do good things. To never forget this I've decided to get it tattooed on my body. I've already started my journey back, but it will get worse before it get's better. I'll have surgery next week and the road back starts then, at the bottom of the mountain. It's going to be a steep climb but I'll make it all the way to the top. Through hard work and dedication. Through the love of the people around me that help me and motivate me to be a great person. Through sheer determination, but most importantly through belief. I believe I will do it, and I believe I am not alone, no matter how alone I am because I can always speak to god.